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Caxtonian something-or-the-other

March 22, 2007

I was going to post this morning, about something that I’m sure was monumentous.  But I still can’t get to Caxton from anywhere but school.  So now I’m sitting here, about two and a half hours later…and of course I can’t remember what I was going to say.  I swear it was monumentous, though.

(It probably wasn’t.)

Wow, Stockton is a really slow system.  I’m trying to get a lot of things done at once, and it’s not helping.  It occurred to me this morning that I probably shouldn’t be lazy right now, with only a month and a half to go.  In fact, this is the time I REAAAAALLLLY shouldn’t be lazy.  I should be TOTALLY ON THE BALL.  Nevermind this is also crazy time for Girl Scouts and I have a family party to go to this weekend and papers coming up and…*HEAD ASPLODE*.  And I really really really should do this extra credit for Homer because, quite frankly, I’m not sure of my grade.  Roessel is odd about grading.  And sometimes I think he expects more of me–specifically me–than other people, which bothers me.  Am I a Scholar with a capital S?  No.  I’m not.  Maybe I could be; I dunno.  But I’m not, and yes, that’s partially by choice.  (That is, the choice to try.  Not whether I have that ability because as I said, I don’t know if I do.)  I insist on the balance between family and school life.  There are going to be nights where I say “Pop in a DVD, kid, and don’t bother me; I have to write this paper.”  But it’s not going to be every night.  Sorry, that’s not how good parenting works, in my opinion.  When my marriage first broke up, I could pull that “…but she never felt unloved!” stuff when I was broke and going through a serious depression.  I can’t pull that off now, nor would I want to go back to that.  That’s one of the reasons that I added the 101 Places project on top of everything I’m doing now.  It’s guaranteed time, for the next three years.  I’ve made a commitment.  It will be fun, yeah, but when she looks back, it’s not just going to be that she saw a waterfall, a newsroom (that’s up this weekend), a migration path, etc.  It’s that her mother took this time out in the middle of getting her BA, just because she loves her and wanted to spend time with her doing new things.

So I guess we could bring this back to the unspoken rant, where–to be a little more honest about it–I was put down because I don’t have a job.  I don’t have a job?  I DON’T HAVE A JOB?  Come on.

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