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Will the Caxton Award someday be the Titania Award?

April 4, 2007

I put my blog up for the Caxton Award. This has little to do with the need for recognition so much as the, I dunno, fact that it seems like so few people do anything with their blogs that I might have a shot. One of the things it says is “shows an awareness of audience.” Well, if you put it up for an award, you go from “aware” to “hyperaware” of your audience. If my blog were a person, she would’ve just gone from looking like me to looking like me when I was fourteen. Toe making designs in the sand and she can’t look at anything else. You’d see her face, you see.

The thing is, if you don’t say “I feel aware,” you could be called on bs, and it would be true. Oh, I feel aware. I feel so, so aware right now. So aware that I made sure that everywhere it said “Kinsella” there was a “Sophie” so as not to seem like I dropped-kicked a professor. Not that I could do that. I’m only five-three-and-a-half.

You also do things like look at the winners’ blogs and say “HEY I LOVE THAT SONG TOO, AND OMG YOU USED A BUFFY QUOTE” and then you feel unoriginal and–

“Aware”? Pls. I’ve got aware coming out of my…wait, I can’t be sure that’s a Scrubs quote, so I may just look weird if I say that.

The thing about being aware–besides the awkward chibi-me in my head–is that when you have a big post brewing inside of you, you want to back off. But I don’t like bs, and I also don’t like to be a coward. When people ask me why I don’t drink (they mean “get drunk”), I can cite a lot of reasons, but one of them is: It seems like so many people talk about how alcohol is how they can be themselves. That’s not me, guys. If I can’t access the real me on my own, I’ve failed myself. And while I don’t mind the occasional B here and there (with Cs in “Real Life Stuff,” like getting the dishes done every night), I don’t fail. Not myself, it’s too important to me. I’M too important to me. Socially interacting sober? Yes. Karaoke sober? Yes. Baring my heart sober? Yes. Scary? As hell.

That said, I’m going to give this thinky-post I have in my head a little more time to stew–just the time it takes me to go work out, because I have some kid-related things tonight and won’t have the opportunity later–and then come back to it here.

See you then.

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