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ILU, Christopher Pike

November 3, 2008

I was going to write about the No Fear Shakespeare graphic novels, and I will do that, but I have to finish plowing through Hamlet.  I actually like it more than Romeo & Juliet, but it’s slow going.  I’ve seen at least four different Hamlet movies at least fifteen times and I’ve read the play at least…four times?  (High school, Brit Lit (?), Lit & Film, Shakespeare–No!  It was Comp II, not Brit Lit I.  Best. Prof. EVER.)  I could take a break, really I could.

So when my attention wandered today, it headed back here to Like Pike.  I’ve read everything now but for the Spooksville stuff, because I was too old to know it even existed and there’s no nostalgia factor.  As I read through all of it these past couple days, I realized just how repetitious he was, and, for your enjoyment, I have created the CHRISTOPHER PIKE BOOK GENERATOR.



Complete this handy-dandy form and end up with a Christopher Pike book, circa the mid-1990s!

The age range of your characters is (choose one):

a. high school-age

b. high school-age, with a random person who graduated a couple of years ago but didn’t go on to do much of anything at all, really

Genderwise, your main character is (choose one):

a. male

b. female

In terms of sexual orientation and experience, your main character is (choose one):

a. a straight virgin

Your main character has the following traits:

If male (choose three):

a. geeky

b. socially inept

c. nice

d. smart

If female (choose three):

a. beautiful

b. talented

c. vain

d. easily jealous

In your group of friends, you have a token (one only, unless writing a trilogy):

a. black

b. Latino/Latina

c. fat chick

d. gross, creepy nerd

SOMEONE’S name is:

a. Peter

b. Michael

c. Ann (may be middle name)

d. Clyde

Your main character’s crush is:

If male (choose all):

a. completely out of your league

b. not your BFF/the girl next door

c. a cheerleader and/or rich girl

d. dating a jerk

If female (choose all):

a. spending a lot of time with another girl

b. a jerk

c. sending mixed signals

d. gay, planning to get his ex an abortion, or both

Now you’re all set with your main character and his/her group of friends.  On to the plot!

a. Six friends reunite after a Horrible Tragedy and creepy but generally realistic things happen.

b. Six friends reunite after a Horrible Tragedy and creepy, totally batshit things happen.

c. Six friends get embroiled in a Horrible Tragedy and the main character and the person who likes him/her figure it out with the help of a drunken but otherwise competent detective.

d. Less than six friends get embroiled in a Horrible Tragedy and shit just goes crazy to the point where crazy people are going, “I don’t get it.”

If b or d, pick at least six of the following:

a. aliens

b. lizard aliens

c. incest

d. reincarnation

e. abortion

f. non-Judeo-Christian mythologies

g. time travel

h. space travel

i. yogis

j. faking one’s own death

k. coming back from the dead

The villain(s) reveals him/her/themselves as:

a. the hot bitchy cheerleader/rich girl

b. the (generally disfigured) old friend who brought you all back together

c. time travelers

d. the creepy person you figured it was from the beginning anyway

e. aliens

f. lizard aliens

Now add in about five or six dream sequences and some class issues and you’re done!  How do you feel?  A little dirty?  Me too.




(Generic Pike Book Cover created by Erika, who never read a Pike book before but I think did a bangin’ job.)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Emily permalink
    May 13, 2009 9:26 pm

    Oh man, I laughed my ass off the whole time I read this! I love that generated book cover. Good job on all if it! 🙂

    • bookslide permalink*
      May 14, 2009 6:45 am

      Why thank you. I’m quite proud of it. 😀

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