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The Awakening Part 11: The Quick and the Not-So-Quick

March 21, 2009

I have about two hours to write this thing before my date, but do I need two hours?  I don’t think so.  Two things happen in this chapter: The Grand Reveal, and a flashback.  Yup, that’s really it.  Let’s do some lulz-mining, people, and then quickly get back to our real lives.   I have pasta to make.

When chapter thirteen begins, “Elena stood within a circle of adults and police, waiting for a chance to escape.”  Look, I get the whole “teenagers don’t get adults” thing, but the countless nameless, faceless background characters in this thing annoy me.  (And my daughter was almost late for another Girl Scout event, so I was annoyed before I even started this thing.  I may get vicious.)  This is the second time ~*Elena*~ has dealt with the police in this book, and it’s a tiny town–you’d think a character might develop.  One who’s investigating all these mysterious deaths and such.  Or even a name would come up.  A description?  Something?  “The fresh-faced young police officer, uncomfortable in his ill-fitting uniform” etc etc?  Nothing.

Our Girl has a brief exchange with Sucker the DoorMatt (that’s right, today he loses his old name and gains another), where he’s all “But I promised Stefan I would protect you!”  And she’s all, “Oh.  …I have to go wash my hands.”  Actually, she says “Bonnie got blood on me.”  Way to pass the buck, Lady MacBeth.  She uses this opportunity to skidaddle out the back.  SUCKER.

We cut to Stefan, Prince of Pain, being all Italian.  “Zuccone!” he says, which Babelfish (Yahoo bought you out, you poor thing) says means “zuccone.”  Thanks for that, online translator.  Okay, I found something else that says “thick head” (dirty), which doesn’t even matter, because the book then says “Fool!”  That’s how speaking in foreign languages goes in books, you know.  The bilingual person is always compelled to repeat the thing in English for those following along at home.  Anyway, Stefan’s pitching a massive hissy fit, destroying things around him, blah blah a GENTLEMAN doesn’t damage property.

On top of the usual COME ON YOU’RE LIKE HUNDREDS OF YEARS OLD, STOP ACTING LIKE A BABY thing, I have to question Stefan’s motives here.  He’s all “Find a place with them here?  Be accepted as one of those?  He must have been mad to have thought it was possible.”  Um, Stefan?  Stefan, sweetie?  Darling?  Honey bear?  (Well, let’s leave that endearment for Matt.)  Stefan, you treated everyone like shit when you got here.  Even the girl that give you fang boner.  Why would they accept you?  Also, you might be the bad guy here.  You think you might be.  Why are you getting mad at THEM?

Oh right, because you can’t accept like a dozen obvious things here.  1) You’re immature as hell.  2) You like your steak tartare, lots of people do.  3) You can’t walk into a room, act like a dick, and expect everyone to want to cuddle you, unless they’re insecure yet predatory teenage girls.  I could go on, but I’m still on the second page here.

We learn that there really is the possibility that Stefan had been the one who killed Tanner.  But here’s the thing: We’ve got a damned-if-you-do situation here, no pun intended, and it’s another thing for me to dislike about him.  If Stefan doesn’t drink from humans, he goes all swoony (or so he thinks at this point), blacks out, and probably attacks and/or kills humans anyway.  So.  What’s a vamp to do?  YOU HAVE A HOT GIRLFRIEND, I BET SHE WOULD LET YOU BITE HER, YOU MORON.  Consent makes it vegan, too!

The next paragraph can be summed up as such: BAWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Then Stefan is hungry.  Whining takes a lot out of you.  (Also, dimwit: If you ate Tanner, you’d be full.  Or at least not famished. Just sayin.’)

We switch to ~*Elena*~, who is doing a little B&E.  Well, the door was unlocked, but considering that she has to go through the house to get to the room that opens the door that leads to the attic that swallowed the fly, it’s kind of awkward.  She discovers Stefan’s trashed room (insert rock star joke here, although I’ve always liked Henry Rollins, who says he’ll even fold the towels just to defy the stereotype), and it makes her feel, quote, “almost giddy.”  I just typed “diggy.”  Then “doggy.”  Either there’s something wrong with me or the book.  I would like to take bets on which.  I’m pretty sure I’m in the right here.

She’s all “Tyler said he was bad” and then she very grown-uppedly tells herself “I don’t care.”  And once again: “I don’t care about anything.”  God, you bug me, ~*Elena*~.

So he’s not there, so where can he be?  At that moment, she realizes there’s a trapdoor and cold air and whatnot.  She gathers up her beautiful, beautiful dress (wouldn’t want to forget what she’s wearing at the moment of The Grand Reveal), and awkwardly climbs a ladder to discover Stefan eating fowl.

Dude, if you were that hungry, I think the GROUND probably would’ve worked better than the ROOF.  But okay, we’ve been told he has a little sway over animals, so I’m going to let this one go.  Lord knows, it wouldn’t be half as ~*romantic*~ to find him digging in the dirt.  Plus, you’ve still got all that heat lightning or whatever was going on earlier, so you can have that sort of SHOCK!BOO! reveal of discovering his feral expression (I think I’ll call it “nomface”) going on.

~*Elena*~ is horrified for like all of ten seconds.  But this is long enough for her to fall off the roof.

Fortunately, Stefan is a vampire (see? this shit could be vegan AND it comes in handy) and he saves her.  Whew.  Wouldn’t want her to have died or anything.  She is, indeed, such a worthy and wonderful heroine.  You can tell by how often I want to kick her.  Kick her in the face.

Anyway, yeah, she’s upset that she’s dating a messy eater, but it’s cool cuz he both saves her and looks at her with puppy-dog eyes.  So all is forgiven, and she feels “a thrill of pity” for him.  She’s creepy.

He leads her back to the house so that she, too, can share in the pain that is a Stefan flashback.

*

“‘Tell me,’ was all she said.”

MERMAID.

Wait no, VAMPIRE.

Actually, they don’t say this, either of them.  Kudos for that.

We learn that Stefan is:

-strong

-quick

-resilient

-a hunter

-capable of eating and drinking regular food (so why ignore the caf’, dick? as it just made you look like a freak)

Then he pulls out the “the quick and the dead” line, which is pretty clever.  He’s “the other half.”

He tells her that he was born in the fifteenth century, and she believes him because he has old stuff.  That’s a bit of a leap, but hey, she’s a ditz.  Also, he’s thinking all about how he “had avoided questions for so long” and “had become such an expert at hiding and deceiving.”

I BEG TO DIFFER.

Anyway, he decides he’s going to tell her everything, whether she ditches him afterward or not.  (Hilariously, by the end of the chapter, he’s paused and I think he starts whining there or in the first few lines of the next that he can’t, he just CAN’T, but what-ev-er.)

We get a quick recap of all the flashbacks so far, and the set-up of Damon’s hatred.  “I don’t know when Damon started hating me […] It was always that way, as long as I can remember.  Maybe it was because my mother never really recovered from my birth” etc etc.  Thumbs up for this.  I know it sounds silly, but when I met my ex-boyfriend eight years ago this month, he HATED his little brother.  Hated him for being born.  Resented the crap out of him.  All this childish stuff you’d think people would get over right away, but no.  And Damon’s not exactly a paragon of maturity himself, so I buy it.  Poor little Damon, he lost his mommy and gained only a little brother that whined and didn’t stop whining for the next three hundred years.  I’d be sulky too.

Then he brings up Katherine, and his usual through-a-filter goddess-worship crap.  “She was too gentle, filled with too much affection.”  We call that BEIN’ A HO in this century, pookie.  “She gave it to everyone, including my brother.”  Heheheheh.  She sure did.

Oh, thank God!  The last of the flashbacks!  The significance of the lemon tree!  No more digressions!

But wait, no.

No?

No.

😦

Smug enough to make me want to reach through the paper and punch him, Stefan goes to the meeting place and even smiles at his brother.  Smarmy little fucker.  Hate him so much.  (I like him slightly more in the present.  SLIGHTLY.)  Katherine is late.  Stefan tries to make small talk about it, and by that I mean he’s totes trying to lord it over his brother that he got some fang last night.  But Damon doesn’t get a chance to rise to the bait, because Katherine finally shows up and gives a pretty speechy speech about how she has made her choice and whatnot.

She then hands Stefan a ring.

Then she hands Damon a ring.

Whaaaaat?  Katherine has chosen not to decide, so she still has made a choice?

Yes, it’s true, Stefan, your ears don’t betray you or whatever overdramatic thing you’re telling yourself at this moment: She’s chosen the both of you.  Katherine is totally polyamorous.

(True story: I once was skeeved by a chick who wasn’t even poly telling me she’d be okay dating two brothers if everyone was fine with it.  I must’ve had this book tickling my subconscious.)

Stefan’s all “You came to ME” and Katherine’s all “I came to both of you.”  This is fascinating stuff, y’all, considering how there were some serious sexual metaphors going on in the last chapter.  Stefan and Damon are totally grossed out.  I am too, but more at how these two idiots could possibly be in love with such a clueless moron.  But maybe I just answered my own question right there.

And she’s all “THE THREE OF US CAN HANG FOREVER.”  Maybe if she had mentioned separate castles or something, it wouldn’t have been so bad, but what the hell, dudette?  You seriously think THIS is going to fix everything?  I mean…what?  That doesn’t even make sense.  They hate each other.  You can stop that with your sparkling vag/fangs/vampness.

And then Damon calls Stefan “this prating, mouthing paragon of virtue,” which is my favorite part of the whole chapter even though I don’t even think “mouthing” makes any sense here.  Maybe it’s a 17th century word, I dunno.  Damon’s all “Get your sword, BITCH” and Katherine literally puts herself between them even though she hasn’t even seen any movies from the ’50s yet.  She ALMOST melts Stefan’s whiny little heart, but A GENTLEMAN never gives up on his brother-damaged pride, so swords it is.

And yes, this is where the flashback ends.  So there’s at least one more.  AT LEAST.

*sigh*

We’re back in the present, and ~*Elena*~’s all “What happened next?” and he’s like “I can’t.  I can’t.”  Drama queen.  And she finally communicates with him by talking about how this is the last of the walls and he has to tell her.  “Oh Stefan, you can’t stop now.”  (Insert “your mom” joke here, because I’m still cranky.  Maybe more cranky.  Katherine sucks.)

Stefan then says “You want to know what happened next, what became of Katherine?” […] “I’ll tell you then.  She died the next day.  My brother Damon and I, we killed her.”

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Next up: WOULD THE REAL LEMON TREE PLEASE STAND UP?

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. March 21, 2009 9:58 pm

    This was awesome. I think I just suck at the whole book post thing.

  2. trappedintheattic permalink
    March 22, 2009 4:09 pm

    I WISH HE WAS A MERMAID.

    • bookslide permalink*
      March 23, 2009 7:18 am

      I know you do, Liss.

  3. March 22, 2009 10:36 pm

    These are the most hilarious things I’ve read in ages – and they are SO TRUE! I can’t wait for you to do the whole trilogy.

    • bookslide permalink*
      March 23, 2009 7:19 am

      Rachel, I’m actually taking a break after The Awakening to get my bearings with grad school–I’m going to post about it today. But fear not, it WILL be done eventually. If for no other reason than I’ve told myself I can’t read the new stuff till I’m done snarking the old.

Trackbacks

  1. Bookslide’s Snarky Recaps of ‘The Awakening’ : Vampire-Diaries.net | A Fansite for L.J. Smith's Vampire Diaries

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