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The Vampire Diaries: The Struggle Part 5 – I’m pretty sure you’d get arrested for that

July 27, 2009

Dear Diary,

I have finally remembered that this series is called The Vampire Diaries, so I am writing in you.  I’m sort of high from Stefan taking my blood, but IDK if that’s mystical or the lack of blood in my system making me giddy like Poppy from Night World.  My oft-ignored Aunt Judith is treating me like I’m sick.  She even set up a TV in my room!  What am I watching?  Gosh, Diary, that would date the series!  Actually, I’m too cool for TV.  I just want to lie here and think about my boyfriend.

Dear Diary,

It’s the next day.  I must’ve been totes out of it because I forgot to tell you that I replaced my missing diary.  Oh yeah, I know; I’d forgotten that too.  There’s so much going on in this series that, barring some cheesy similes and metaphors and the fact that all of us are completely flat characters, it’s pretty admirable.  However, now that I’ve remembered about my diary I’m SUPER MAD.  Obviously, I’ve never read Gimme a Kiss and, also, who takes a diary to sleepover?  Your favorite special snowflake, ~*Elena*~ Gilbert!  Anywhoo, Diary, it was my VERY PERSONAL DIARY where I wrote things like whether Stefan ever tried to touch my boobs (no).  Fortunately, that diary was stolen before I found out Stefan’s secret, so it’s only mushy stuff about how pretty we are.

Oh, Diary, I know he’s violent, but he isn’t violent toward me, so it’s okay!  (That is very close to what the text actually says.)  I know what you’re thinking: I paved the way for girls like Alana to get into abusive relationships and Bella Swan’s doing the same thing to a new generation of girls.  But you know what Bella Swan isn’t?  BLONDE.  So obviously, I win THAT, at least until my television series comes out.

Stefan was questioned by the police, and we’re not sure if they think he’s faking his own attack, but OBVIOUSLY it’s so STUPID if they do, because three teenage girls can vouch for the new, mysterious Italian guy who showed up just when all of these attacks started!  Everyone knows when teenaged girls talk, adults either ignore us or believe us totally.

So Stefan doesn’t REMEMBER Damon putting him in the well, but come on!  What ELSE could possibly be out there?  Damon’s such a jerky jerk jerkerson.  Oh right, I forgot to tell Stefan I confronted him at the beginning of the book.  But that couldn’t possibly matter, right?  Right?

Hey, I wonder who’s going to replace Mr. Tanner?  I hope he’s both attractive and mysterious!


~*Elena*~ is being ignored by her classmates, which puzzles her, as it has never happened to her before, but it’s okay because there’s something shiny to distract them: Alaric K. Saltzman (the “K” is for “Kelt”!) (I may have made that up)  (I can’t even tell if that’s funny, oh well).  Alaric is the cutie who’s taken over European history, and he’s got longish hair–gasp!–and “the build of an athlete.”  I sort of have this idea in my head of who he looks like, but I can’t think of who it is.  I guess Emma Frost’s teacher crush, but he has a physical, actor representation in my head I can’t access right now.  But whoever he is, in my head he’s TOTALLY HOT with glasses.

Remember, European history is the class the cast has together.  Caroline walks in with Tyler.  She looks smug and he looks less beat-upon.  Alaric suggests that everyone pull their desks into a circle and share their feelings about their loss.  Oh, and call him by his first name.  I know that’s what I did in European history.  (Actually, I called my World Cultures teacher “Star” because her name was Esther.  Nice lady.)  A girl named Sue is scared, and Tyler acts like a pompous toad, and Bonnie gives Alaric the backstory.  Then Alaric invites them all to his house to hang out.


That shit doesn’t fly, Saltzman.

Also, your name is stupidly obvious.

~*Elena*~ is sort of lulled into complacency by Alaric’s weird explanation of how he came to be teaching there (uh…they called him, and he has friends in town, or vice-versa–because they don’t have subs until they can actually interview candidates?), but Stefan is understandably suspicious.  Then Alaric threatens them with crappy grades if they don’t show up.  Stefan thinks football practice is cancelled but if not, he can play.  Maybe.  He still looks pretty pale.  ~*Elena*~ takes the time while they’re tragically parted by football practice to get snippy with Caroline, who says that dating a murderer can really do a number on your social ranking.  ~*Elena*~ points out that the police have cleared Stefan (have they?) and Caroline tells her that if she dumps Stefan now, maybe she won’t end up on the street, ringing a bell.


Since when does high school popularity have fuck-all to do with one’s life status?  Okay, in high school maybe, but after that?  Pffffft.  But you know ~*Elena*~ and Caroline.  They don’t really exist after high school, so they have to pretend it’s everything, ever.

~*Elena*~ gives Caroline the lamest comeback of all time to her snotty comments and stalks off to find Stefan, who she blatantly, childishly lies to about the content of her conversation with Caroline even though she knows his supersenses can pick everything up.  He gives her a mini-lecture about relationships (GOOD FOR HIM) and then says maybe they should stop seeing each other (DUMBASS).  You know, because her social status is really important.

God, even Italian vampire teenagers only care about popularity.

Then she’s like “I’ll break up with you the day you can tell me you don’t love me more than fresh deer blood, you fucker” and then they make out and the chapter ends.  Seriously.  I think it’s hilarious that she’s all “How long do you really think you could keep that charade up?” as if he has absolutely no control over himself when it comes to her.  I mean, he doesn’t, but that’s because he’s a character, you know?  It’s so ridiculous as an adult reader to get through this part.

So…yeah.  Another chapter done.  Next up: Alaric’s party.  If only the cops would come and take him to jail for hanging out with minors outside of school.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. July 27, 2009 11:39 pm

    Welcome back Alana, and thanks for another hilarious recap. Best wishes for your recovery.

  2. Sam permalink
    July 28, 2009 3:33 pm

    I love the knock on the CW series. I am equal parts excited for and dreading it …

    • bookslide permalink*
      July 28, 2009 3:40 pm

      I’m pretty sure I will want it to diaf. Pretty DARN sure.

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