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The Vampire Diaries: The Struggle Part 13: Even more self-delusion than usual

October 9, 2009

Okay, so it MIGHT BE that recapping is 16th on my list of things to do today.  But it also MIGHT BE my BIRTHDAY, so I can do whatever I want.  SO THERE.  (Also, I finished the first 7, so, like, nyah, I deserve a fun break.)

When we last left Our Heroine, she was all succumbing to some hot guy, as if it were a wonderful martyr-y thing she was doing for everyone involved, especially her boyfriend.  Um, you keep telling yourself that, ~*E*~.  Now she’s having morning-after regrets about the whole thing.  After all, “He has no morals and no conscience, she reminded herself.

SOUNDS FAMILIAR.

~*Elena*~ also cannot figure out why she’s not dead.  Oh, ~*Elena*~.  Really?  You’re such an oblivious idiot.  “Maybe he’s toying with me!”  MAYBE HE THINKS HE CAN GET IN YOUR PANTS AND/OR ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF HIS BROTHER, BECAUSE HE’S AN IMMATURE BITCH SOMETIMES.

Probably the latter, cuz no one ever gets in anyone’s pants in this world.

Dear Diary,

I’m afraid Stefan will break up with me if I let Damon steal the journal from me.

Dear Diary,

I’m going to tell Stefan everything, even though I had this dream once where his feelings were hurt.

Sigh.

I am such a terrible person, but I want to be a good person.  Even if this means I need to start acting like a human being.  Oh, Diary, I have no idea how to do that–what now?  WHAT NOW?  I shall look to my boyfriend for guidance, except he’s not really up there on a scale of one to tolerable either.

~*Elena*~ goes to the boarding house to confess her sins to that guy who thinks he’s the biggest sinner of all.  (Insert eyeroll here.)  She wonders where Mrs. Flowers is.  I do too.  Mrs. Flowers, at least you’re interesting.  ~*Elena*~ tells Stefan that she has something she wants to tell him, in private, and his vampire senses fail him yet again, because he’s taken aback.  I’m going to pretend this is all because he sucks at feeding on people–er, no pun intended.  VEGANISM, Stefan, VEGANISM.  If she says it’s okay, you can buy those cute PETA shirt and then take the PETA logo off them like I always wanna do.  (Yeah, I know, PETA, but that little non-nugget chick is SO CUTE.)

He asks her what’s up and instead of answering him like a normal person, she reveals that she once dug through his stuff for The OMG Apricot Ribbon What Proves That He May Have Killed Someone.  Yeah.  He gets understandably angry at her idiocy–and you know what?  Talk about emasculating.  Stefan is a VAMPIRE.  He has superhearing and superspeed and superstrength and the occasional burst of supermindreading.  And yet ~*Elena*~ continues to coddle him through the entire book till this point.  SO IRRITATING.

DUMP HER, STEFAN, DUMP HER ASS HARD.

And WHY was she hiding things from him?  “I had a nightmare!” she wahs.

Instead of staying righteously angry, he…feels relieved, because now he knows what was going on in her head all this time.  Except not, you know.  And then he says “You were holding back so I–am going to hold back too.”  Cuz God forbid during this time of confession they actually communicate WELL.  Then he’s all “I thought you were going to dump me!” and the book even says “without self-pity” but I think the text is LYING LYING LYING.

Then they snuggle.

Well, I’m so glad we resolved like 1/10th of your problems, there, kids.

And then she offers him her neck.

Even though she was bitten by Damon the night before.

Even though she was bitten before that too.

And I think at least one time before THAT.

Even though she knows it’s dangerous to her health.

Even though she should know better.

Wow, I’m glad my daughter hasn’t picked up my other copy of The Awakening yet.  (After all that begging!)  Because I surely don’t want her to read this.  “He loves you!  Give into him because if you put yourself or your health first, that’d be ridiculous!”

I MISS YOU, POPPY.  I MISS YOU, JAMES.

Also, she “unthinkingly” offers the other side of her neck, the non-Damon-bitten side.

Sure she does.

Oh, and now he drops the L word for the first time.  Good for him.

So wait, I’m confused though.  He cuts himself open but instead of doing anything about it, he just snuggles with her some more, declares his love, and then gives her his class ex-gf’s ring?  I’m just imagining this romantic scene going on while the blood is getting everywhere.  I hope Mrs. Flowers took a deposit from him.  Vampire blood never comes out of the carpet.

Then he PROPOSES.  Except…what?  He doesn’t ACTUALLY say the words, but instead falls into a well of self-pity and then she’s all “GOD DAMMIT.”  I would be too.  What a shitty proposal!  Anyway, the ring fits PERFECTLY, of course, and I still think it’s tacky as fuck; he should get the stone reset since it’s all magical or whatnot.  Then instead of, I dunno, planning something that makes sense–and letting us read about how this vampire/human union would work–~*Elena*~ talks about hiding it from her aunt until she’s eighteen.  Oh God, she isn’t even eighteen yet?

Oh, I think my brain selectively forgot the part earlier, in the diary entries, where it said “If Stefan dies, I die too.”  It’s all flooding back to me now, along with a headache from 1) not eating much lunch because we’re going to a buffet in an hour and a half to celebrate my birth with more Chinese food than the human body wants to handle and 2) THIS BOOK.

Anyway, so they’re all “We’ll fight!  If we don’t get the diary, we’ll fight!” whatever THAT means.  Um, did no one during the editing process ask, “How would they fight, Lisa?”  (She wasn’t LeJane then, or whatever.)  “Like, in a court of law?”  MORE LIKE A COURT OF LAWL.  It’d be like that episode of Forever Knight I don’t remember either, where Nick has to, like, give testimony or something?  During the day?  Or the guy goes free?  I really need to watch those DVDs.  I ❤ you, Nick, but I’m afraid the show is going to be verrryyyy cheese upon rewatching.  Plus, every time Natalie talks I’m just going to hear her yelling “SCOTT!” like she did every ten seconds in the X-Men cartoon.

Dear Diary,

It’s Founders Day, and I had another great plan.  We’re going to FIND THE DIARY AND TAKE IT FROM CAROLINE WHEN SHE DOESN’T HAVE A PURSE.  Isn’t that brilliant?  I’m so good at this.  Also, I won’t have to take off my ring cuz it’s old.  Go, period clothes!

As for Stefan: I learned my lesson; I’ll never keep things from him again.

Everything after the colon is a direct quote, by the way.

I’LL NEVER KEEP THINGS FROM HIM AGAIN.

Paging the other side of your neck.

Next up: Founders Day.  But first: aspirin.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 9, 2009 7:28 pm

    Happy Birthday! “In a court of LAWL” is awesome. Elena is an idiot. 🙂

    I miss Poppy and James, too! Please, recap those soon. Pretty please.

    • bookslide permalink*
      October 10, 2009 5:13 am

      It’s all about whether Megan (Liss) and I can make it happen. I think it might be a little easier in her future for us to meet up online; however, that still doesn’t mean we’ll be free at the same time. She’s pretty much free on the weekends; my weekends are generally booked lately. But believe me, I want to get back to it, if for no other reason than they’re SO much better-written than TVD and therefore the recaps are more funny, less rage-inducing.

      It was a great birthday! But I’m so old now! 😀

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