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The Vampire Diaries: The Struggle Part 14: Because “she stole my diary” are very hard words to say

November 2, 2009

Before we delve into all the wackiness that ensues the day of the festival, let’s discuss how reasonable or unreasonable it would be for ~*Elena*~ to say “Caroline stole my diary.”

Reasonable: when in the room with the librarian.

Unreasonable: when Caroline is at the podium during her reading.

Why?  Because what is Mrs. Grimesby going to say, really?  “Oh dear, dear.  Caroline, do give that back to her.”  Because even librarians in Fells Church are crappy stereotypes.  “But Mrs. Grimesby, it reveals the murderer of Fells Church!”  “Caroline, dear, this is not PROOF.  This is circumstantial.  If you truly believed Stefan murdered someone, you would have gone to the police.  This is obviously a petty rivalry and it ends here.”

Librarians are FIERCE.

Unfortunately, this reasonable scenario does not happen.  Instead, Bonnie stakes out the Forbes home to find that Caroline is carrying a little bag, just big enough for a diary.  Then she’s picked up on the corner by Aunt Judith and ~*Elena*~.  Why Aunt Judith doesn’t say “Bonnie, why are you standing on a random street corner?” is beyond me, but this book rarely makes sense anyway, so moving on.  Aunt Judith doesn’t even get any lines, of course.

But the “plan” at this point is reasonable.  ~*Elena*~ is going to the librarian’s to pick up her costume and she’ll either snatch it from Caroline there or, if Caroline leaves it in her parents’ car, Meredith will make a grab for it.  Because, um…okay let’s just pretend Meredith can pull off pretending she and Caroline are still friends and if the door’s locked, she’ll tell Mr. and Mrs. Forbes that Caroline forgot a tampon in there.

WHAT?  IT COULD HAPPEN.

I hate that this book makes me fill in the blanks of sense.

Also, Bonnie calls Aunt Judith “Miss Gilbert.”  They’ve known each other for at least four years now, come on.  That’s just too respectful of someone the book treats so poorly.

We are not told that Mrs. Grimesby (who at least is a Mrs.) is some old biddy with white hair, but we’re told that she’s the Fells Church librarian and archivist, and her house is full of books, on shelves and ON THE FLOOR.  Awesome.  Yes.  Accuracy!  We’re also told that “the bedrooms were full of students in various stages of undress.”  Thanks for letting us know.  We’re also told that when ~*Elena*~ is guided to a room to change with Caroline, Caroline’s in her underwear.  I wonder if the show is doing anything like that, or if they’re clever enough to come up with something more intelligent than this stolen diary storyline.  (Not that it couldn’t be a good storyline, if it made sense, I suppose.)

Blah blah blah, old clothes, and Caroline being gloating without saying a word.  “[~*Elena*~] debated making a grab for [the bag], but Mrs. Grimesby was still in the room.”  Um…see above.

We are told that Honoria Fell kept a journal.  I’M THINKING THIS MIGHT BE IMPORTANT IN THE FUTURE.  Bless your foreshadowing heart, Ljane.

Also, a note falls to the ground.  Oh, Caroline.  You just can’t leave it alone.  It’s from the first line of the first book: Something awful is going to happen today.

Yeah; I had to read this book some more.  Only two more chapters…probably one more post…

“It’s just a piece of trash,” ~*Elena*~ tells Caroline and Mrs. Grimesby.  WORD.

So they’re ready to go and ~*Elena*~’s heart breaks to find that Caroline’s bag is a period piece and therefore she gets to keep it with her the whole time.  No change for the grab now UNLESS YOU JUST GRAB THE FUCKING BAG.  OR SAY SOMETHING GODDAMN REASONABLE LIKE “OH WOW MRS. GRIMESBY THAT’S AWESOME CAROLINE DO YOU MIND IF I LOOK AT IT?  THAT BEADWORK IS FANTASTIC–YOINK.”

I feel very talked-down to.

~*Elena*~ then goes and tells her cronies that Caroline has “outsmarted” them.  Um…wasn’t hard, pookie.  Wasn’t hard.  ~*Elena*~ then gets on a buggy with two white horses (of course) and joins the parade, miserable.  She can’t even see Caroline at any point, but she’s sure the bitchmonster from hell is surrounded by people, with no chance for grabbing the bag.

EXCEPT MAYBE TO GET HER ON AND OFF THE FLOAT, HOLDING HER HAND “OH LET ME TAKE THAT, CAROLINE” ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC

During lunch, Caroline is protected by one Tyler Smallwood, and Stefan tries to use his mojo to get her to hand over the diary, but of course that doesn’t work because Stefan is the weakest vampire in all of vampire history, except maybe for Louis de Pointe du Lac, who was such a pansy.

Also, DoorMatt wins Outstanding Male Athlete of the Year.  I have some awards for him too: Most Tolerable Character That Gets More Than Two Pages of Screen Time Per Book; Most Regrettable Waste of a Character; Most Ill-used Ex in All of Fiction.

~*Elena*~ is feeling particularly awful, health-wise, and we’re told her brain is empty.  I’ll let that one go, in the spirit of the day.  The three “Spirits” are to do readings, and we find that Caroline is the “Spirit of Fidelity.”  You could say this is ironic, but I think Caroline is very faithful to the most important thing in her life: Caroline.

Anyway, what happens is pretty simple: Caroline goes to take out the diary and realizes it’s not ~*Elena*~’s, but her own; she gets pissed and THROWS IT AT ~*ELENA*~–and let me tell you, I haven’t been this happy about something being thrown since ~*Elena*~ threw a kitten at Damon–and she totally loses her shit all over the podium and everyone’s like “Bwuh?” and we realize that Damon has somehow pulled a bait-and-switch.

They also use the word “cafetorium.”  Such a funny word.

Somehow, ~*Elena*~ manages to get out of the place without Stefan following her (THIS IS SO UNREALISTIC, VAMPIRE BOOK) and confronts Damon, basically accusing him of doing a nice thing, and he’s all “No I didn’t.  I wanted to get some.”  Okay, he doesn’t say THAT, because sex and this book don’t get along, but for some reason, we’re supposed to have a change of heart about Damon or something?  Then Aunt Judith comes along and gushes over Damon, and ~*Elena*~ starts flipping out at him for it, and the chapter ends.

Yeah, that’s it.

Next up: the end of the book.  YEE-HAW!  THE END IS IN SIGHT!

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. November 2, 2009 8:37 am

    I’ve never understood why Elena didn’t say something to the effect that Damon was a creepy toucher. I mean, he broke into her house and molested her. There were bite marks! Hell, she could have said she caught Damon masturbating outside her house and they probably would have gone with it. Caroline and Tyler seem so convinced that Stefan will be convicted on the evidence of a diary, a diary that is ridiculously vague at best.

    Re: the show! No diary thefts…yet.

    • bookslide permalink*
      November 2, 2009 9:22 am

      No one here does anything that makes grown-up sense. If these kids weren’t treated like they barely had parents at all, that’d make sense, but nooooo.

  2. Maggie permalink
    November 2, 2009 3:16 pm

    You are fuckin’ brilliant! Don’t ever stop snarking!!! I’m so glad there are like, what, three more books for you to do in this series. Although I realize I’m sort of reaping all the benefits while you have to reread and take notes. I just want you to know I appreciate all your hard work 😀

    • bookslide permalink*
      November 2, 2009 4:17 pm

      Oh God, please no, not three more books.

      I’ll be trying to finish up the first Night World book with Megan before I go back to The Vampire Diaries. And I also want to start recapping the old Harlequins; that was supposed to my original project and I LOVE rereading these books.

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