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Sorry, NaNo

November 18, 2009

I think I’m going to have to give up.  I’ve got about two weeks left in my third term at Drexel, and I’ve got a TON of paper-writing and project-doing to get through in that time.  I got to about 10K and stalled.  The bf asked, quite rightly, if I got stalled on the idea, and in a way I did.  Using Write or Die was a great idea to start out, but without a framework, I felt like I was “screwing up” all over the place.  I kept thinking “Oh, you know what I should’ve done there?” but I know you’re not supposed to go backwards.   I don’t feel like a failure, though.  I know I could keep going and make a strong effort, maybe hit 25 or 30K–who knows, maybe even succeed–but I’d be doing so at the expense of school, and I’m not prepared to do that.  I would hate myself.  I’d be telling myself that the time I was using for NaNo would be better spent doing schoolwork.  And that’s true: I’m not 15 anymore.  I don’t have all the time in the world.  I have more responsibilities, and it’s not always about balance.  Sometimes it’s about choices.  I choose to focus on school.  I choose to believe that to continue with NaNo right now that it would be a method of procrastination, and I really want to get my schoolwork done BEFORE the end of the term, maybe even a full week beforehand.  I need the break from school.

Do I want to make myself a promise to get back to the story during my break?  Yes, but I also know I don’t want to create a crazy goal I’ll just feel bad about not achieving.  As much as I grew up writing fiction and loved it so, I kind of only LIKE it now.  I enjoy keeping up the book blog more, and recapping.  Is that because it’s easier?  Yeah; don’t think I don’t know it’s a bit easier.  On the other hand, I think what I write is good, enjoyable for me and for others.  It’s not IMPORTANT, but it’s fun and it’s achievable–I haven’t had any issues with NaBlo this year; I almost always know what I want to write, and when I don’t know what to write, I find something, and everything’s good.  I FEEL good.

It’s weird, because I don’t think of myself as a writer anymore, but not only because I equate “writer” with “writing fiction,” but also because I don’t think of writing recaps as writing, or at least not enough to be a “writer.” I didn’t consider myself a writer when I was doing music journalism, either.  It’s interesting.

I sort of want to take a couple classes in non-fiction styles of writing, but I think I have enough school on my plate as well.  Maybe after June, when no doubt I won’t be able to find a job in a library…heh…

 

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