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Christopher Pike, the guy who rips off himself

January 5, 2010

Look, Kevin, I love you.  I always have.  You were my all-time favorite for a long time.  You are the reason for incest lizardsSeason of Passage still scares the crap out of me.  But when I reread that, I started to realize something, something that I am sure of now that I’ve finally, for the first time in my life, finished up The Last Vampire series.  You are bad with endings.  Now I’m afraid to reread See You Later.  But anyway, reading The Last Vampire series in its entirety has made me realize something: sometime around 1995, you became a parody of yourself.

See, I stopped reading The Last Vampire because I was working at my local library as a student assistant and we didn’t have it, but the K-Mart next door that had cheap food did.  So I’d go get a grilled cheese sandwich and read a couple chapters during my lunch break.  I got fired, so I stopped reading sometime during the third book.  Never went back to it.  Not really sure why.  I guess cuz I was getting older, getting more into comic books, and uh…relationships.  Plus, the Indian spirituality stuff was never as cool to me as the murder mysteries and the incest lizards.

The library in my new town has all of them, and I’d already found the first three as one book (not the new Thirst, but another combo) and had read them over the summer.  While I was reading, especially toward the end, I could not help but think of a previous post I made which you can find here: https://bookslide.wordpress.com/2008/11/03/ilu-christopher-pike/

I LOVE that post.  I think it’s hilarious.  I know that’s narcissistic but hey, funny is funny.  And true things are funny.  but I kept wanting to go back to the post and sort of answer it for this series.

So I’ma gonna.

The age range of your characters is (choose one):

a. high school-age

b. high school-age, with a random person who graduated a couple of years ago but didn’t go on to do much of anything at all, really

Alisa Perne is a 5000-year-old vampire or something, but she pretends to be a high school student in the first book.  The other main character of the series, Seymour (we’ll get to that), is a high schooler, as is Alisa’s first romantic partner in the series.

Genderwise, your main character is (choose one):

a. male

b. female

Alisa is female, of course, and Seymour is male, of course.  Keep reading.

In terms of sexual orientation and experience, your main character is (choose one):

a. a straight virgin

Alisa breaks the mold by being bisexual (although never in the pages of the book, only by reference) but Seymour is, of course, a straight virgin.

Your main character has the following traits:

If male (choose three):

a. geeky

b. socially inept

c. nice

d. smart

If female (choose three):

a. beautiful

b. talented

c. vain

d. easily jealous

Seymour matches all the traits of the male Pike lead, whereas Alisa is supposedly the MOST beautiful and the MOST talented.  She talks about her beauty a lot for someone who’s supposedly not vain, and despite her many partners, she doesn’t seem open to polyamory.

In your group of friends, you have a token (one only, unless writing a trilogy):

a. black

b. Latino/Latina

c. fat chick

d. gross, creepy nerd

Paula Ramirez fits this.

SOMEONE’S name is:

a. Peter

b. Michael

c. Ann (may be middle name)

d. Clyde

I actually don’t remember if any of these names come up.  I don’t think so?  Ann might have been the middle name of one of Alisa’s aliases, but I don’t think so?

Your main character’s crush is:

If male (choose all):

a. completely out of your league

b. not your BFF/the girl next door

c. a cheerleader and/or rich girl

d. dating a jerk

If female (choose all):

a. spending a lot of time with another girl

b. a jerk

c. sending mixed signals

d. gay, planning to get his ex an abortion, or both

Alisa is way out of Seymour’s league, and he never does get to have sex with her, even after she makes him a vampire.

In the 4th book, Alisa’s “love interest” is wacky all over the place.  But Alisa doesn’t really seem interested in love most of the time anyway.  She’s a little busy having crazy vampire babies and whatnot.

Now you’re all set with your main character and his/her group of friends.  On to the plot!

a. Six friends reunite after a Horrible Tragedy and creepy but generally realistic things happen.

b. Six friends reunite after a Horrible Tragedy and creepy, totally batshit things happen.

c. Six friends get embroiled in a Horrible Tragedy and the main character and the person who likes him/her figure it out with the help of a drunken but otherwise competent detective.

d. Less than six friends get embroiled in a Horrible Tragedy and shit just goes crazy to the point where crazy people are going, “I don’t get it.”

D, people.  D.

If b or d, pick at least six of the following:

a. aliens

b. lizard aliens

c. incest

d. reincarnation

e. abortion

f. non-Judeo-Christian mythologies

g. time travel

h. space travel

i. yogis

j. faking one’s own death

k. coming back from the dead

READY FOR THIS??  SPOILERS YO:

a, b, d, f, g, h, i (arguably), j (arguably), k (arguably)

Jeez.

The villain(s) reveals him/her/themselves as:

a. the hot bitchy cheerleader/rich girl

b. the (generally disfigured) old friend who brought you all back together

c. time travelers

d. the creepy person you figured it was from the beginning anyway

e. aliens

f. lizard aliens

b, c, d, e, f, basically.

Now add in about five or six dream sequences and some class issues and you’re done!

Actually, there are less dream sequences than you’d think, but there are some.

So, basically, The Last Vampire series is really the only Pike you ever need to read to get a feel for this author, and to know almost everything that happens in every book he wrote after he gave up on non-supernatural mystery.

I would also like to add, in the crappy ending category?  IT WAS ALL A DREAM–wait no, it was all the invention of the “real” Seymour, who’s a writer dying of AIDS.

HE DIDN’T EVEN LET HIMSELF SLEEP WITH HIS MARY SUE.

COME ON NOW.

The hilarious part is–when I read that?  All I could think was, “Wow, no editor would buy that.”

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Jillian permalink
    January 8, 2010 11:09 am

    Hee. I just say the tagline “Read books AND blogs, Jillian” I laughed out loud. And I hope it’s not three months old… I don’t remember when I got the icon.

  2. bookslide permalink*
    January 8, 2010 11:18 am

    It’s from right around the first of the year. 😀 😀 😀 😀 I was wondering how long it would take you to notice.

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