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Shame

April 15, 2010

Over the past six years, I’ve developed a phobia about schoolwork.  At first, it seemed harmless enough: I was putting off papers till the last minute.  That’s common, right?  But then, as time went on, I got into this really negative pattern.

I’m sure I’ve spoken of it before, but I have this strong compulsion to avoid schoolwork, especially when I’m confused about it.  Something in me pulls me toward other things, brainless things, until I grow angry and resentful with myself yet still feel I “can’t” stop.  I’ll play those one-minute Facebook games, or I’ll read a book, or I’ll eat, or I’ll clean.  Last night, I watched five episodes of Buffy in a row “to finish out the season.”  Uh-huh.  I’m two days’ behind in my personal schedule now.

And while I can consciously realize what I’m doing, it still feels incredibly difficult to stop.  “Oh, I’ll just go till I have enough for my favorite boosts on Bejeweled Blitz, and then I’ll do the boosted games, and then I’ll quit and get to work.”  But then I say “Oh, look, lunchtime!”  My house is rarely cleaner than finals week.

I’ve tried several things to stop this.  I’ve tried locking down Firefox with LeechBlock so I can’t get to Facebook or Livejournal during a big chunk of the day.  I’ve worked 45 minutes and given myself a 15-minute break at the end of every hour.  These things tend to work for short periods of time, but I figured out how to get around LeechBlock after a while, and it’s like “Oh, I just want to reply to this one comment.”  Then, suddenly, it’s 3pm and my daughter’s about to walk through the door and I realize another day has been wasted.

Even this post is another thing that I do instead of working.

This is one of the reasons I’ll be glad to finish school.  I’ve had a great time, and I adore learning, but I need to break this cycle.  So, um, yeah, back to work.

Shame. 😦

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