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The Vampire Diaries: Dark Reunion Part 4: I get confused

November 2, 2010

When last we left ~*Elena*~’s flunkies, the question had been posed: Now that they know the ingredients that the dead girl was trying to tell them in the first three chapters, who’s the summoning spell supposed to summon?  Even though it breaks Matt’s heart, we all know the answer is Stefan.  Bonnie, who’s trying to be kind, because ultimately she wants in Matt’s pants, points out that Stefan does, indeed, have the resources to fight a “psychic killer,” being a vampire and all.

But then something happens.  We get a brief recap of why Matt is so heartbroken, and it doesn’t quite gel: “[Matt] and Stefan had been best friends once, even after Elena had chosen Stefan over Matt.”  Here’s where my confusion sets in: Is this entirely Bonnie’s perspective on the situation?  It would have to be, because this statement is inaccurate on so many levels, the first of which is that if Matt and Stefan were “best friends,” Bonnie and/or Smith must have a really pathetic idea of what friendship means between men.  Having guy friends and a husband and all, I’m pretty sure all of these people have shared more with their bffs than just the occasional glance, a trip to find vervain, and promises between them to act like throwback jackasses every time the girl they both like is involved.  “You protect her!”  “If not me, then you, my brother.”  “Indeed, I shall protect her!”  The feminist in me says, “Fuck you guys.  Half the time you were pulling this crap, she was a VAMPIRE and likely stronger than both of you, possibly put together.  Not that SHE would ever notice that.  Ugh, all of you make me sick.”  The feminist in me is quite verbose.  And she’s the entirety of me, so basically replace all that with “I”–er, and make the verbs match up.  Because that would be awkward otherwise.

The other problem here is that ~*Elena*~ didn’t actually dump Matt for Stefan.  She was already avoiding Matt before Stefan came on the scene.  She didn’t run into his arms the moment she got off the plane from Paris, and then drop her arms abruptly like a cartoon when the vampire hottie walked by.  Now, if we believe this is all Bonnie’s perspective, I GUESS she might have seen it that way, because I’m sure that’s how everyone else saw it, but the BFF crap?  Yeahhh, no.  Sorry, no.

Then comes a fairly directed and only slightly awkward conversation about the blood and hair involved, and how it has to belong to Stefan himself.  Bonnie makes a snide comment about ~*Elena*~—that’s the way to his heart, pookie! by Damning the Ex (oh wait)—and Matt comes up with a clever idea: check the crypt.  Despite anything that makes sense, “The police investigated and then left it.”  DESPITE ALL THE BLOOD YOU’RE DISCUSSING IS DOWN THERE?  BLOOD THEY WOULD’VE, SAY, GRABBED AND TESTED?  AND REALIZED IT WAS VAMPIRE BLOOD MAYBE?

Oh, book.

But whatever, it’s enough to make Bonnie’s pants tingle, and she bursts out into “Matt, I could kiss you!”  They have A Moment–since they’re the only single ones in the story at this point–which he shrugs off self-deprecatingly, probably thinking that a middle-class girl like Bonnie could never love a lower-class dude like himself.  Oh wait, that’s Smith’s issue, not ours.  I guess we’re supposed to think of him as desirable again.  Smith hasn’t made mention of him being poor in AGES.

So off they go to the cemetery, where Bonnie notes “unquiet spirits” and Meredith’s pleased to find that despite it being a TERRIBLE IDEA, someone decided to leave the lid off the crypt.  Bonnie wishes for Honoria Fell’s spooooky ghost to come back and set things right, but there’s only one blonde ghost per story, it’s the law.  ~*Elena*~ trumps everyone else.

Actually, I don’t remember Honoria Fell’s hair color, and I’ll be darned if I go try to figure it out.  I assume she’s blonde because I can’t imagine Smith having a non-blonde angelic character.

Bonnie is a big wimp over a bunch of dried blood.  So Meredith takes the lead and figures out Stefan’s position from the amounts of blood.  (Damon’s the most, Stefan’s the second-most.)  Matt’s on collection duty while Bonnie almost hurfs up her liquid lunch.  You’re a heroine now, Bonnie, not just a sidekick!  That means you don’t get to eat!

Bonnie then decides to let her mind wander.  Turns out she thinks in infodump!  How convenient!  We get the story of Katherine and her ebil ebil plot to—actually, Bonnie’s a little off on this synopsis too.  What’s the point of infodump if it doesn’t match up with what really happened?  I mean, I GUESS “all she wanted to do was destroy the brothers she’d once loved” but I wouldn’t put it the way Bonnie does, if only because Katherine’s plans were about as sensible as ~*Elena*~’s.

I’m going to ignore the part where Smith uses “tigerishly” as a word.  For once, Spell Check and I agree.  Let’s just say that they find what they’re after and Meredith gloats over Tyler’s jerky comment.  This triggers Bonnie’s memory and she realizes that glaring issue from before.  TYLER KNEW WHERE THEY WERE IN THE HOUSE.  How could he have known unless he were there?  Despite how sensible BONNIE is being for once, Meredith doesn’t buy it, even though Tyler’s gross clammy hand is a lot like the hand that was gross and clammy in the dark of Caroline’s house.  But Meredith, usually the clever one, doesn’t get how Tyler could’ve moved the Ouija board.

Um, Meredith.  Think outside the box here.  Hell, think outside the very short line drawn in pencil here.

They rush back to Bonnie’s house since the parents are all twitchy about the recent teenage death.  Teenagers dying is so much worse than when a mean teacher buys it, remember.  They’re supposed to rush home but then Bonnie says they have to BUY things?  Shouldn’t they have thought of that BEFORE they got there?  But whatever; I guess it’s only Bonnie who has to stay inside?  Meredith, on the other hand, is free to roam in the dark, and gets candles and bottled water for the ritual.  It’s said they mostly skip dinner–heroines don’t eat!–and at midnight, they begin.

Bonnie recites a spell three times that would drive my husband nuts–it doesn’t rhyme.  (Don’t ask him about Walt Whitman.)  Then they sit and wait.

*

Hey, it’s Florence!  Don’t worry; I checked the World Time Clock for you and Smith got it right.  If it’s midnight in Fell’s Church, it’s dawn there.  I guess even if you factor in Daylight Savings Time, saying “dawn” instead of “five am” covers your butt, and saves me the trouble of figuring out fall back/spring ahead.

And, paying it forward, I’ll save YOU all the trouble of hearing about how Stefan is taking care of Damon’s cast-offs, because I guess that’s his idea of taking care of his brother—well, keeping him from an angry mob, which I have to admit is pretty helpful.  Stefan mojos (mojoes?) her into forgetting the whole thing, thus keeping murderous vampires safe for another night.  (HE KILLED TANNER.  HE *KILLED* SOMEONE.  But because it wasn’t a blonde, we’re supposed to forget.)  Damon is acting like a petulant brat and covering it with a veneer of pseudo-cool, but what else is new?  They have a vague argument about what’s good and bad, but because Damon is a brat, there’s no reason to believe or disbelieve that he isn’t just playing with his brother’s utter stupidity.  It could go any way, and I’m about two years beyond caring at this point.  Stefan infodumps/”thinks” about the promise he made to ~*Elena*~, and then insinuates that his brother is biting blondes as a way of, I dunno, showing that he really truly cared about her.  Oh Damon.  You are, as always, the soul of maturity.

Asshole.

The candle burns to the magic pin, and suddenly Stefan pulls the summons.  He and Bonnie communicate telepathically (I almost typed “telepathetically”) and she tells him that ~*Elena*~ wants him to come back.  That’s about as far as she gets other than the word “trouble” when the connection is severed, leaving the brothers to figure out what happens next.

As if we don’t know?  Even Matt knows.  You mention the ~*E*~-name, and all the mens come a’runnin’.

Next up: DEAR DIARY, ALANA IS GOING TO FINISH THESE RECAPS AS SOON AS SHE CAN.  TALK ABOUT EBIL EBIL SPELLS.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Rachel permalink
    November 3, 2010 2:58 am

    “Heroines don’t get to eat” – PRICELESS!! If only I’d paid more attention to this when I was a tween.

    • November 3, 2010 7:37 am

      I think that during the course of the first three books, Elena eats the equivalent of 1/10th a breakfast.

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