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The Vampire Diaries: Dark Reunion, Part 10: Stefan has a BRAIN, y’all.

November 10, 2011

My husband hates when Buffy and Angel are on screen together.  He loathes it.  I think the only time he doesn’t is when there’s another of Buffy’s love interests in the scene.  (“You actually sleep with this guy?”)  The reason for this is simple: put Buffy and Angel in a room together, and it’s all moon eyes and stupidity.  Separate them, and you’ve got decent, watchable characters.

Some people like mooning.  My husband doesn’t.  I, perhaps in my bitter old age, don’t either.  Okay, FINE, there are certain characters that I love to watch moon over each other.  My world feels out of alignment when they are not together.  (See: Veronica Mars.)  But, for the most part, I agree with the man.  He’s very clever.  That’s one of the reasons I married him.  Angel really is more interesting without Buffy around.

I am starting to feel this way about Stefan, although he will never be as cool as Angel.  In this chapter, he does no mooning and actual thinking!  AWESOME.  Well, as awesome as Stefan gets, anyway.

When last we left our Scooby Gang, Stefan and Tyler were tussling.  Okay, fine, Tyler was getting a beat down.  Now in his human form–as human as Tyler Smallwood gets, anyway–Tyler’s acting like your usual privileged kid whose daddy gets him out of everything.  But his daddy isn’t here.  Instead, he gets an unwhiny, exposition-spouting Stefan.  Jeez, it must be Christmas.

Meredith is pissed because she feels like she was left as bait a bit too long.  Stefan agreed that he’d waited longer than he should have.  They all bully Tyler while calling him a bully.  I suppose if you’re the heroes, bullying becomes heroic.  Matt says that Tyler is “scared spitless,” and I really, really, really think there’s no more pathetic expression you can put in a “modern” character’s mouth that screams “THIS BOOK IS RATED PG” more than that one.

Tyler is refusing to talk, so Stefan monologues at him like Sherlock Holmes, Vampire.  (NO ONE WRITE THAT BOOK.)  Meredith thinks at this point that Stefan resembles this brother, who I two books ago stopped thinking of as awesome, but I guess it’s supposed to be a cue or something.

Stefan tells us that he came here with a mystery that didn’t quite add up to vampires.  All the right pieces were there, but they wouldn’t interlock.  Blood in the body?  No murderous vampire would turn that chance up.  And Tyler gave himself away with his foolish comments, saying things that people couldn’t know unless they were there the night Sue died.  But Tyler was just some high schooler–or was he?

Stefan gets into the logistics of Sue’s body, specifically a cut down it like the one he made to feed his now-dead thankfully unmentioned girlfriend/fake fiancee.  Meredith and Bonnie go white, or green.  Stefan posits a vampire making the cut for someone else.  Say, an “uninitiated” werewolf.

What’s that, you ask?  Oh, simple.  Basically, in this world, there’s bite-werewolfism and inherited-werewolfism.  Honoria Fell doesn’t refer to it directly, but you can kind of tell that one of the Smallwoods was bitten, turned, and then was killed.  And thus the curse is passed down Tyler’s bloodline.

Bonnie and Meredith take a second to gloat that they’d always been creeped out by the jerk, but Meredith says something about “animal magnetism.”  Ew, Meredith.  Ew.

After that brief moment to remind us that the other characters are there, Stefan gets back to his monologing.  He says he should’ve seen that Tyler was a werewolf.  Well, jeez, Stefan, you could’ve saved us a whole subplot there.  But he didn’t, his bad, but now he’s here to explain, so I guess we should just be happy with what we’re given.  Apparently, this werewolf virus lies dormant in one’s body until one kills and drinks fresh blood.  Then, you get your full-moon change.  (It’s a full moon tonight, by the way.  WOLF OUT, Y’ALL.  But in a cool, Teen Wolf-y way.  Not Tyler’s kind.  Cuz, you know, murder.)

Tyler then realizes he was set up, and each of the human characters makes some sort of assent.  In Bonnie’s case, it’s a hand gesture of drawing the number one, as in, one point for them.  And I thought “scared spitless” was corny.

Now that they’ve been mentioned again, Stefan can get back to what he was doing.  He brings it all around like a Law & Order DA to the most important question: Who is this psychic vampire dude?

Tyler doesn’t want to answer, says the dude is a friend.  Guy wears a trench coat (right?) and skulks around teenagers.  That’s not a friend, Tyler.  Didn’t they teach you that in elementary school?

Anyway, he still stays quiet, until Stefan is like “Hey, look, this old book that gave me my info says that if we cut off one of your members, you’ll revert back to human.”  (Magic is effed up.)  Meredith, of course, goes for the penis joke.  I love it when she’s written in character.  But yeah, they hold him down and even make a tourniquet.  Aww, the good guys.  Tyler spills, of course, but he doesn’t have a ton of information.  Blond, vampire, liar, kills deer.  Could be Damon with a dye job.  Oh wait, Damon doesn’t like venison.

(Oh, right, it’s a raincoat.  I’m sure she means trench coat.)

Tyler just wanted to kill Caroline (aww, and we thought those kids were gonna be together forever), but ended up with Sue.  Bonnie and Meredith were supposed to be for the vampire, but now that Stefan’s in town, all bets are off on them.  Their work here is complete.  They brought the most boring, well-connected vampire in all the world to Fell’s Church.

Apparently, this vampire is soooo old.  (I bet he tells people he was at the Crucifixion.)  He can’t be killed by normal means, but he JUST HAPPENED to reveal to Tyler what could injure him.  It’s some sort of wood.  And also, he’s headed for Vickie.

Now, Damon’s protecting Vickie, but he’s very, you know, snarky, so maybe he isn’t there.  They need to rush there.  They leave Tyler tied up, as good guys do, and take Meredith’s car to house.  But they’re too late.

Or are they?

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