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The Vampire Diaries: Dark Reunion Part 12: The Big Bad (and skating rink observations)

December 4, 2011

I am writing this from a skating center.  My daughter will not bend her knees when she skates.  It drives me batty.  So I may get irate quicker due to crappy pop music and a lack of bended knees.  (Sounds like a metaphor for parenting.)  WAIT A SECOND, THEY ARE PLAYING THE GREASE MEGAMIX.

First off, someone found the blog by searching “find the scissors in the Vampire Diaries.”  I am going to assume that this is like finding the pineapple on Psych and I refuse–REFUSE–to believe anything else.  One day, I’ll attempt the show.

Secondly: I haven’t already recapped this chapter?  I feel like I read it ages ago, which I guess I did.  But with NaNo, well, you know.  I think my New Year’s blogging resolution for next year will be to stop freakin’ apologizing.  I do what I can when I can.  And hey, this skating rink thing isn’t so bad, if I can block out the music.  I wonder if my earphones are in my bag…Success!  No, I didn’t put on any of my own music.  I’m just blocking out part of the noise.

Thirdly: The rink I went to when I was growing up wasn’t kidding when they said it was safer for beginner skaters to stick to the middle.  Holding on to the sides means more face-planting AGAINST CONCRETE.

Fourthly: The chapter.

When last we left our…characters, Bonnie had decided against all reason to let Stefan see his dead girlfriend and he’d agreed to this, even though EVERY TIME Bonnie does anything trance-like, it’s interrupted by our Big Bad.  (Hey, they brought out the disco ball!  Sweet!  I wish I could still skate, except for that whole disc degeneration thing.)  On the other hand, this is a good way for the Big Bad to reveal himself, so whatever.  I guess it had to be done, because we couldn’t possibly go a whole book without Stefan and ~*Elena*~ fawning all over each other.

So we begin with Stefan and ~*Elena*~ getting soppy with it in Bonnie’s mind, or some sort of psychic ether, or whatnot.  We start with Stefan’s physical response to her, which apparently has nothing to do with his penis.  Blah blah life and passion and beauty and nothing’s better than being ~*Elena*~.  *flip page, bored*  Lapis lazuli eyes… *skim page*  “Oh, Stefan, this is a terrible idea but I cannot possibly stop myself from seeing you, for even in death, teenage romance is the most important thing…”

*Skim page*

Look, I read it before, okay?  I’m protecting you from this  crap.

Then there’s a whole page of them getting to the point of and finally touching their fingers together “as if they were on opposite sides of a pane of glass.”  See?  Protecting you.

He can touch and feel her tears, so it’s a real enough experience, I guess.  Point made, *flip page*.

Next page, an entire page describing one kiss.  *FLIP PAGE*

…Oh wait, no, I have to point out that his “control unraveling” is that he CRIES over it.

Now, I’m not making fun of him crying over being reunited with his dead girlfriend, because then I’d be heartless.  I’m making fun of the fact that their “passion” is, um, the depth of how much they want to be madly in love with each other, I guess.  Nah, it really does skirt the edges of being physical.  “The electric touch of her cool skin” and “dizzy and drunk with pleasure” and whatnot, I GUESS.  The second could go either way.

And of course, just when things could get physical, we switch to those most un-sexual of emotions: anger at whatever is making her scare and, of course, the need to KEEL IT.  So manly, yes?  He even gets a “predator’s rasp.”  Well, I suppose even Stefan gets manly traits once in a while.  Too bad they’re not good ones.  SHE’S DEAD, YOU MORON.

She pretty much says as much.  Well, a lot kinder than I would.  She reminds him that it’s not her who’s capable of being hurt in this situation, it’s him.  (AND BONNIE, ASSHOLES.)  She tells him to leave, but he’s all NOOOOOO, MY LOOOOOVE, and she reminds him that it is, in essence, a dream.  So he CAN’T get hurt?  I’m confused.

Anyway, they are thankfully interrupted by our Big Bad who I would imagine as looking a lot like John Constantine if not for his name, which puts me more in mind of Lucifer when his hair’s all white.  But no, I just looked up some pictures of him too, and that’s not quite it.  WHO AM I THINKING OF?

It’ll come to me.

Anyway, the devil looks like a handsome white-blond hobo, that’s who our bad guy is.  He calls Stefan “sport,” which I can get behind.

I’ve never thought about his effectiveness as a villain before.  When I was young, I just thought it was a good choice for a bad guy, and was surprised to find out who it was.  Now I get to ANALYZE the effer.  Awesome.

When they say “raincoat” do they mean duster?  Or is he just wearing a slicker, man?

“He looked young, older than Stefan, but still young.  He wasn’t.”  Well, no.

He’s sooo old and sooo powerful.  Show us something, dude.  Besides decaying dead girls.

He’s staggering and acting kinda…drunk?  Ooh, scary.  A drunk hobo in a raincoat.  I guess that IS horror for Smith.  Someone who’s turned away from all things good: hygiene, fashion sense (what, he couldn’t find an outfit that made him look like a raspberry sundae?), and, um, what’s that?  Oh right, morals and stuff.  And the worst horror of all is that he’s done this to himself despite being the two things everyone should want to be: good-looking and blond.

HoboMan says that he’s really really old.  I bet he was at the Crucifixion.  (I think I’ve already made that joke.  Or maybe I just meant to in this post…)  He says he’s “one of the Originals.”

We take a quick break for exposition.  The Old Ones are, like, super old, and weren’t made, but their origins are seeekrit.  I bet every vampire who meets new vampires is like “Oh yeah, man, I’m totally an Original.”  Like saying you knew the band before they were big.

HoboMan waxes ecstatic about war, being a former barbarian, carrying and ax and whatnot.  Anyway, he gets to the goddamn point eventually: One day, someone asked him to turn this blonde girl, and suddenly Stefan realizes he’s been an idiot, AGAIN.

“You’re the vampire who changed Katherine.”

Yup.  Meet Klaus, guys, the dude who was so crazy even KATHERINE wanted nothing to do with him.  We’re sure now that Klaus can read minds in Dreamtime, when he pulls his name from Stefan’s memory, and he goes on to babble about how Katherine never got over Stefan and was like “Oh, Klaus, why can’t you be more like STEFAN” around the house so he had to get all futuristic on her and slap her like a ’50s housewife.  Didn’t work.  Just addled her brain a bit, or whatever.  Or she was already headed that way.  I think she was.  Spoil a bratty child and you get a crazy vampire, that’s what I always say.

Stefan is pissed, because he sees Klaus as Katherine’s killer, but Klaus blames Stefan and ~*Elena*~–rightly.  Klaus is also pissed because he can’t take revenge on ~*Elena*~, as she’s dead and all.  So he decides to get them where they’ll hurt: with the deaths he caused in response to Katherine’s: Sue and Vickie.  OF COURSE HE’S GOT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT A SLUT VICKIE WAS, saying that she was “[m]ore like a nineteen-year-old than seventeen.”  SIGH.

Stefan wants to kick his ass, but ~*Elena*~ says he’s too strong, cuz he’s got all the psychic mojo.  Klaus happily offers to use his mojo to show Stefan what ~*Elena*~ looks like for reals right now, and ~*Elena*~ is horrified, because nothing is worse than not being beautiful.  Does she not know she agreed to marry the dude, which means morning after morning of terrible hair and breath?  Illnesses where your partner has to bring you toilet paper because–wait, hey, no, because no one in this book ever has to go to the bathroom, I think.  Lucky them.  I’m sure fever would only make them as beautiful as Anne of Green Gables’s friend when she died.

Klaus also waxes poetic about the smell and sight of death, particularly decaying flesh, and really, is he just messing with them?  IDK. Doesn’t seem to matter.

Klaus makes ~*Elena*~ all grody, and Stefan doesn’t care, and then finally she’s a pile of bones.  Stefan keeps denying that’s her, but dude, it is.  Or will be.  Stefan decides to figure out if he has psychic mojo too, and recreates her from his love.  Aww.  She’s even got her Powers, which are aiding his, or making him feel good, whichever.  “Stefan had never felt as fiercely victorious in his life, or as strong.”  Well, yeah.  It’s the first time you’ve done anything besides wrassle with your brother.

Klaus loses it and creates some sort of psychic storm.  ~*Elena*~ screams something about finding his weakness from one of his victims before it’s all over, and we’re back to Bonnie.

She was “the stage the action was being played upon.”  Eww, imagine if they’d decided to actually stop acting like Barbie and Ken dolls.  Stefan is on the floor and she goes to him.  He wakes up (with a breath–he has that, right? or doesn’t he in this mythology? I can’t remember) and asks if Bonnie knows the score.  She says she does.  “He’s crazy, isn’t he, Stefan?”  In this world, mental illness is a good excuse for murder.  Bonnie did not hear ~*Elena*~’s deux ex machina so Stefan has to tell her and explain to use why a victim might know.  Apparently, there’s a psychic link between feeder and feedee, so all they need to do is find a victim.  Bonnie rightfully points out that all the ones they know about are kinda dead, and Stefan rightfully points out that a turned vampire would count too.

Time to go to Europe!

…Or not.  After all, what’s the fun of leaving Fell’s Church, Virginia?  Stefan says he’ll give it a week–a week Klaus could be murdering everyone, how arbitrary–and Bonnie’s agreement of this ridiculous plan (THERE ARE LIKE FOUR OF THEM WORKING TOGETHER, HE CAN GO TO EUROPE) is supposed to prove how much she’s matured.



I seriously heard a dad say “Survival of the fittest” to his wife about his son’s skating.  EFF YOU, DUDE.

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