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The Vampire Diaries: Dark Reunion Part 15: Don’t Let the Door Hit You (NaBlo: Day 30)

November 30, 2013

It’s been a while, so let’s get an up-to-date cast list:

The Supernaturals

~*Elena*~: Tragically dead heroine, appearing to Bonnie in dreams and trances.  Still only cares about her looks and her fiance.  Knows a lot but says little, because God forbid anyone get some timely information in this series.

Stefan: Tragically dead hero, but a vampire, so cue the whining.  Lives for four hundred years; in that time, only manages to crush on the girl who looks just like the one who turned him.

Damon: Sulky, petulant child that’s somehow supposed to be sexy.  Is he good?  Is he bad?  Does anyone really care at this point? (No.)

Klaus: Stefan and Damon’s grandpappy; a creepster in a raincoat, ready to flash these teenagers at any moment.

The Humans

Meredith: Sarcastic, funny when the author remembers, mostly out of the picture for reasons that make no sense, because she’s about twenty times more interesting than ~*Elena*~.

(Door)Matt: ~*Elena*~’s ex, alternately mooning over their breakup–which happened pre-Stefan, although the series tends to forget–and macking on Bonnie.

Bonnie: Psychic, inconsistently flighty, possibly supposed to be showing growth but it’s mostly laughable.  Is the Whoopi Goldberg to Stefan’s Patrick Swayze.

Tyler: Werewoof.

Sue: Tragically dead, blonde.

Vicki: Tragically dead, brunette. (So it matters a little less.  Hey, this isn’t MY opinion; it’s on almost every page of the book.)

Alaric: Meredith’s creepily-older boyfriend.  Not in this book.  Too bad, because I like imagining him as Wesley from Buffy/Angel.

*****

And a plot recap: The Big Bad was revealed to be Klaus, who turned Katherine, who turned the brothers–Grimly Unfunny? Karamazoffmypage, you morons?  Look, some literary references are funnier than others, okay?

Now everyone (except ~*Elena*~, who’s dead) is fighting Klaus.  Everyone but Bonnie is hurt bad.  And Stefan is pretty much dead.  There.  You’re up to speed.

*****

“Klaus screamed, a scream that reminded Bonnie of ancient predators, of the sabertooth cat and the bull mammoth.”  Oh God, this book.  “Blood frothed out of his mouth along with the scream, turning that handsome face into a twisted mask of fury.”

So Klaus got a white ash stake javelined into him by a pissed-off Damon, who’s decided to let himself be human (well, as much as a vampire can) for a second and not sulk around like a jealous toddler as it pertains to his baby brudder.  Damon advances on Klaus, who’s like “What the hell?  We should be allies!”  But Damon wants none of that.  The only one who’s allowed to hurt his brother is him, guy.

So Klaus is like, “Well, then, have at me, bro,” and goes to attack–a retreating crow, because Damon can do that.  He bullrushes out of the scene so that Bonnie can assess Stefan’s wounds, which are mortal.  Um, immortal. You know what I mean.  Dude is going to die twice.

Damon flies over and turns back into his vampire self.  Letting down his guard, he and Bonnie have a quiet little discussion about just how dying Stefan is.  Blood won’t help.  Power won’t help.  Nothing will help.  Damon is holding Stefan’s hand as he’s slipping away.  Bonnie is inwardly freaking but outwardly calm.  She recognizes that Damon considers this situation terrifying, and that makes shit real.

She reminds Damon that they only have this highly-scripted minute–what is Klaus doing, following a different crow?–and offers some blood to help Stefan, but of course he won’t take it because he PROMISED.  It’s the vegetarian/vegan argument all over again.  She’s OFFERING.  That’s not the same as taking.  But since it won’t fix him, it’s moot anyway.  He insists that Damon get the humans away, but Bonnie and Damon don’t want to leave him.  Stefan makes it his last request.  Damon agrees and starts to argue with Bonnie about leaving the area.  Again, moot, because: Klaus.

“With lightning.”

He’s pulled the stake out and is waving it around like the crazy person he is, because every person in LJ Smith books are either really really evil, evil/crazy, or not-really-evil-just-a-bad-boy/redeemable.  He hits Damon with the lightning.  All is lost!  We lost our last superpowered ally.

Or did we?

Klaus then turns to Stefan, and Bonnie gets between them, not because she thinks that she can do anything, but because if she can hold off Klaus, Stefan will die  on his own, rather than being eaten by Klaus.  (He says “eat.”  IDK.)  Klaus threatens Bonnie, and she does the only thing you can do when you need to pull a fan’s wet dream ending out of thin air:

You call the ghosts.

Bonnie calls for ~*Elena*~, who brings all of the ghosts of the Civil War to life to get annoyed with Klaus and take him away…somewhere.  It’s cheesy and nowhere near as moving as Bonnie’s decision to let Stefan die “naturally.”  But hey, I bet it would look good on film, with the wispy ghosts and the tornado of adios, Klaus, he who never died to begin with (okay?) so has to be “killed” in a way that works for an actual immortal.

Tyler FREAKS OUT over this and would rather literally run through fire than be taken by ghosts so he leaves–I guess comically?–by running through the fire, catching fire, putting himself off, and continuing to run.

Adios, Tyler.

Then ~*Elena*~ heals EVERYONE.

Yup, everyone is back to normal thanks to the ghostly magic of the solstice.  Damon: fine.  Meredith: fine.  Caroline: fine.  Matt: fine.  Stefan: fine, but has to stay a vampire because her power can’t undo what Katherine did without turning him into a pile of four hundred-year-old dust.  All she has to do is kiss them.  But Smith only says specifically that Damon is kissed on the forehead.  I’m assuming she mouth-smooches everyone else.

Then she brings rain to cleanse the area of the fire and, I guess, the badness.

But it’s midnight, so the solstice is ending and so is she.  Of course we get a mopey goodbye between her and Stefan, because God forbid these two be kept apart.  Because they’re perfect for one another.  For…reasons.  She disappears, and Stefan calls her name to the sky.

Then gold lightning brings her back as human, and everyone hugs and she and Stefan make out and the book is over.

No, seriously.

Even as a teen, when the book first came out, I thought this was bullshit.  ~*Elena*~ lived as a spoiled child, died as a spoiled child, came back as a powerful vampire, was killed to save the love of her life.  She comes back as a ghost to aid them, like the town’s founder’s wife before her, and then…she gets to come back to human life.  She gets put back exactly where she was before, where she’s in love with someone she can’t be with in any realistic way because he’ll live forever and she’s dying of that thing we call mortality.

It’s such an awkward, awful reset.

Also, she’s NAKED.  Totally starkers.  For a teenager, for someone who doesn’t seem to have had sex, being naked in front of your boyfriend, your friends, your ex, your best frenemy, and your boyfriend’s brother who has a thing for you seems like it should be a BIG DEAL.  For a book that sometimes tries to remember it’s made of people and people should act human, the nudity thing is kinda handwaved.  Even when I first read it, I assumed that she was, you know, tastefully positioned.  Except she can’t be, because she gets up and stuff.  Finally, Caroline echoes fifteen-year-old me and is like, “Put something on, GAWD,” and gives her a dress, since she’s wearing a slip underneath.  Damon gives her his leather jacket, cuz he’s cool like that.  And then everyone frolics in the autumn leaves.

Oh yeah, and we’re told that Damon was never really as bad as we thought.  He killed Tanner in self-defense, he pretended he was called by the spell when he was really just worried about everyone, and he didn’t help Vickie because he couldn’t, having not been invited into the house.  Aww, he was good all along!  Too bad that didn’t stop him from being an unattractive sulkmonster.

Finally, Bonnie goes home and writes in her journal that the night’s not worth writing because no one would believe it anyway.

You’re not wrong, sister.

*

And that’s it.  Book four, completed.  The entire series, completed.  I wish I could say I feel an amazing sense of completion, but mostly I just feel relief that it’s all over.

And a little excitement for my next project: Harlequins!  Not just any Harlequins, but the ones I read as a kid, that helped form my perception of male/female relationships.

Here’s a bit of a teaser for you: pirates come into play in both the books and my real life. Coincidence?  Let’s find out together.

Happy National Blog Posting Month, guys.  It’s been fun.

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